Dear Toto

Notes from Burundi, Congo, and Malawi

Category: Humour

Shit Happens

by Pádraic

by la vidaid loca

Field team: Hello? Hello? HEY! Yes. Down here. Helooooo… ok thank you. Just so you know, we are in the shit.

Regional office: Thanks for the update. You OK or you need some help with that shit?

Field: Shit yeah.

Region: What kind of shit is going down?

Field: Really shitty shit. I mean, there are shitloads of people coming across the border. Refugees. Returnees. You name it, we got it. And would you believe it, they all need shit, and they all need to shit.

Region: Sheeeeit. OK. Yo, HQ. Field is in the shit.

HQ: Well go help them with their shit.

Region: No shit, Sherlock. We are. It’s still shit. And it’s getting shitter. And now there’s like, bombs dropping and shit.

HQ: Oh, shit.

HQ: OK EVERYONE LISTEN UP WE ARE ON IT NOW AND IN CHARGE AND WE ALL HAVE TO GET OUR SHIT TOGETHER. I WANT DAILY UPDATES ABOUT THE SHITTYNESS OF THIS SHIT!

Region: Oh, shit.

Fundraising: Hi guys! Um… how much is all the shit you need gonna cost?

Field: Dunno. But shitloads, definitely shitloads. Call it ten million.

Fundraising: Oh, shit.

Region: HQ, can you give us some cash to give to Field, so they can get going while fundraising does their shit?

HQ: Ah, shit. Look it’s end of financial year… I’m a bit short right now… here’s $100k.

Region and Field: You have got to be shitting me.

Fundraising: Don’t worry guys! I totally got this. Field, can you please stop what you’re doing and send me some pictures of your shit?

Field: Shitshitshitshit. OK… fine. Here.

Finance: What the shit is going on? You’ve spent a million quid! Which shit for brains signed off on all this shit!?

Field: Sometimes the spirit just moves you. Y’know, humanitarian imperative an’ shit. Soz.

Region: “The spirit” just moves you? Bullshit! Right. Gin is now banned from all team sites.

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Get in touch

by Pádraic

Next time you post your phone number in a public place, think again.

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by Textastrophe

Been There

by Pádraic

Pun That

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Texts from a Dog

by Pádraic

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More here.

Gone in…

by Pádraic

30 Seconds by Sirius and Andrew Goforth

Listen here

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Transformative

by Pádraic

Six-Day Visit To Rural African Village Completely Changes Woman’s Facebook Profile Picture

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Calling the experience “completely transformative,” local 22-year-old Angela Fisher told reporters Tuesday that her six-day visit to the rural Malawian village of Neno has completely changed her profile picture on Facebook. “As soon as I walked into that dusty, remote town and the smiling children started coming up to me, I just knew my Facebook profile photo would change forever,” said Fisher, noting that she realized early in her nearly weeklong visit just how narrow and unworldly her previous Facebook profile photos had been. “I don’t think my profile photo will ever be the same, not after the experience of taking such incredible pictures with my arms around those small African children’s shoulders. Honestly, I can’t even imagine going back to my old Facebook photo of my roommate and I at an outdoor concert.” Since returning, Fisher said she has been encouraging every one of her friends to visit Africa, promising that it would change their Facebook profile photos as well.

I ordered too many asparagus crowns

by Pádraic

…and other First-World Problems

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Here Hare Here

by Pádraic

Mandela statue’s hidden rabbit catches Government on the HopNelson Mandela rabbitA new, nine-metre sculpture of Nelson Mandela, unveiled in Pretoria a day after his funeral, has a sculpted rabbit tucked inside one of the bronze ears.

The Department of Arts and Culture said it did not know the two sculptors, Andre Prinsloo and Ruhan Janse van Vuuren, had added a rabbit.

The newspaper Beeld quoted the artists as saying they added the rabbit as a trademark after officials would not allow them to engrave their signatures on the statue’s trousers. They also said the rabbit represented the pressure of finishing the sculpture on time because haas, the word for ‘hare’ in Afrikaans, also means ‘haste.’

Mogomotsi Mogodiri, a spokesman for the department, said in a statement that there are discussions on “how best to retain the integrity of the sculpture without causing any damage or disfigurement.”

Paul Mashatile, the arts and culture minister, said the sculptors had apologised for any offence to those who felt the rabbit was disrespectful toward the legacy of Mandela.

Dali Tambo, son of anti-apartheid figure Oliver Tambo, said he was furious when he heard about the rabbit, and said it must go.

“It’s belittling, in my opinion, if you take it in a jocular way and start adding rabbits in the ear.”

He said it would be like depicting Barack Obama with a mouse in his nose.

Tambo said the signatures of the artists, who belong to South Africa’s white Afrikaner minority, could be added on the statue in a discreet place, perhaps on Mandela’s heel.

Guns ‘n’ Trucks

by Pádraic

African Men

White Priorities

by Pádraic

zapiro gays

– by Zapiro.

By Binyavanga Wanainaina:

“Nairobi is a good place to be an international correspondent. There are regular flights to the nearest genocide, and there are green lawns, tennis courts, good fawning service. You can get pork belly, and you can hire an OK pastry chef called Elijah (surname forgotten) to work in your kitchen for $300 a month.

“If you work for one of the major newspapers, or television and radio services, chances are you live in Nairobi or Johannesburg. To make your work easier, you need, in your phone, the numbers of the country directors of every European aid agency: Oxfam, Save the Children. To find these numbers is not difficult: chances are these guys are your neighbours, your tennis partners.

“If your spouse has arrived in Kenya and does not have a job, soon he or she will be fully networked and earning lots of pounds/euros/dollars, making sure the babies of Africa are safe, making sure the animals of Africa are kept safely away from Africans, making sure the African woman is kept well-shielded from the African man, making sure the genitals of Africa are swabbed, rubbered and raised into a place called awareness. Because you are a good person, who believes in multiculturalism, and that politicians are evil.

“You are a child of the human rights age. A post-cold war child. In this age, which has no ideology, brown and black places are flat issues: how far from gay freedom is (fill in African country)? In this age, all local knowledge is carried by aid organisations. These organisations speak human rights, and because they do so, we know that they are good, objective and truthful. So, if a foreign correspondent needs to know what exactly is going on in Sudan, their weekly lunch with the Oxfamy guy will identify the most urgent issues.”